Recordings to My Future Daughter or Son
by FinessMcGayor
Summary: Anakin, after finding out Padmé is pregnant, takes it upon himself to record himself talking about anything and everything to his future child. These recordings are saved for future showings to said child, saved on R2's hard drive between Anakin's porn stash and his cartoons.
1. Honeymoon and Kissing!

We were young and in love and stupid and awkward. Well, correction, I was stupid. Padmé definitely wasn't stupid.

Look, it's not my fault I hadn't had any practice kissing people. I tried to get Obi-Wan to help me out and let me practice on him, but he spit tea all over the place and then sent me to my room. So then it was my pillow, since I'd never kiss Ferus Olin. He's a douche bag.

The third time I kissed Padmé was when we were married—after she proposed, of course, since I was too lost and embarrassed to ask her. I was… slightly better, but still not great at it. I'm great at making out with her now though… right, wifey?

*blows a raspberry* Fine, be that way. You know I'm a good kisser. Anyway, since I was still… well, even to this day I'm still ashamed of… the arm. Since I'm ashamed of it, I kept it behind my back at all times. Padmé still insists she's fine with it, but I keep my glove on constantly. Just in case.

I didn't have a glove then, so behind my back the arm stayed. Or I'd shrink my arm up into my sleeve. Either way worked. We'd never had sex with anyone before. Padmé kissed a few people before, but that's it. We were both complete virgins, which isn't the best combination for a honeymoon.

We tried kissing at first, but then Padmé told me it wasn't working and I was so kriffing relieved because, yeah, it wasn't working at all.

I promise this story is going somewhere, and not in the direction you think.

Padmé had some wine in her rooms—where we were staying for our oh so not romantic honeymoon—and I brought a couple boxes of Cheez-Its, so… that's what we ended up doing. We sat together on the couch, got drunk, ate Cheez-Its, and watched cartoons. Then we stumbled to her bedroom and went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed.

So yeah… child of mine who is yet unnamed. That's how your parents spent their honeymoon. Have fun telling that to people. "Oh yeah, on their honeymoon, my parents ate cheese crackers and got drunk while they watched cartoons!" Obi-Wan will laugh even though he's heard it before. And you're supposed to be calling him Uncle Obi-Wan, just so we're clear on that.

Anywayyy… kriff. I lost my train of tho- Am I supposed to be cursing in a recording to my unborn child? Ah… note to self, only let the kid see this recording when they're thirteen or something like that.

What? What do you mean "almost out of memory"? Oh, come on, Artoo! You can do better than that! … You promised you wouldn't speak of my porn stash on your hard drive, buddy.

KRIFF is this thing still recording? Oh, shut up, you're not my pal anymore. Just quit recording!


	2. NABOOBIES

So, today I am going to talk about the importance of your mother. She's the kriffing most wizard person in the galaxy. She's beautiful and badass and smart and hilarious and she's a fun drunk. She is otherwise known as Drunkmé.

Padmé has wonderful curly brown hair that she lets me braid, since I'm good at braiding hair. Except she usually has to wear wigs, and she sometimes lets me try them on. She has this one short pink wig and it's awesome. One time she woke up wearing it and covered in glitter. We still don't know why.

And then she's a great kisser. Like, super great. And her naboobies are very full and nice- oh come on, babe, why can't I express my love for your bosom? How is it not appropriate for children? They put their mouths on boobs, for kriff's sake! Ugh, finnneeee I'll talk about something else.

Okay, so she wears lots and lots of dresses. There are tons of them in her closet, which is walk-in and ginormous. Although sometimes when she's home she just wears sweatpants and one of my t-shirts that I sleep in. Even her nightgowns are fancy, which is kind of ridiculous, but whatever. I'm just glad I'm not a senator.

Her smile is beautiful. It lights up a whole room when she smiles… though the effect is diminished when she's drunk, but still. I mean, she's not drunk as often as I make it sound. She just day-drinks because the Senate is an ass Senate that doesn't get anything done and she worries about me fighting in the war and all and also day drinking is a pretty great activity.

Padmé does very important work in the Senate. A lot of times the cum dumpster senators don't listen to her- ohhhhh why can't I call them that? Ugh, I hate having to censor for kids. Okay, so a lot of jerk senators don't listen to her even though she makes sense and does actually good stuff, but whatever.

Artoo, seriously, I just emptied your hard drive yesterday. What? Ughhhh noooo I didn't delete stuff in my camera roll.


End file.
